Jennifer Aniston very pretty

Dating Tip: Leave the Animals Outside


You are going to have no idea where I'm going with this. You're probably wondering what I mean by "leave the animals outside." You may be thinking any of the following things:

"I live in an apartment. Do I leave them outside my door?"

"I live in the mountains where coyotes run free. My Pomeranian is a Power Bar to them."

"Doesn't someone I'm dating have to like my animals?"

"My dog is a GREAT judge of character, and she stares at people she doesn't like. If a stranger comes in my house, who is going to bark at them if the dog is outside?"

Are you confused yet? Well, let me explain what I mean. When you have sex, leave the animals in another room.

Nothing is freakier than when you are working your way down a woman's body, and Fluffy the Calico cat rubs up against your ass that's protruding in the air. Or, you are deep into a hypnotic trance having the best sex you've had in a long time, and the dog starts howling when she starts moaning.

My cat likes to crawl across my headboard. Nothing freaks me out more than when I'm on top of a woman and I am eyeball to eyeball with my cat. Granted, I really enjoy getting pussy... but not the orange tabby variety at that moment.

Have you ever been at someone's house and it's one of those track homes where the construction is just not that great? Inevitably in the middle of fooling around, the person's dog starts scratching his head and you can hear the "thud thud" sounds on the floor.

My black lab is prone to nightmares. Nothing can kill the mood worse than when she is having a dogmare. She starts screaming, trembling and shaking in her sleep. The only one I want screaming, trembling and shaking, is the woman on whom I'm performing magic.

I love my animals. I even share my bed with my dog. When it's time for some adult play, however, the term "Daphne Stay!" works wonders.

I once dated a woman who had one of those yippee furballs and hardwood floors. That little guy would pace the entire night. The sound of toenails clip-clopping on the hardwood floors caused me to wish I had a little blue pill.

So the next time you have someone over to your pad, it's okay to leave the dog, the cat and the iguana in the other room... because the only animals that should be in the bed are the two of you.